I honestly never thought I’d be writing something like this.
I’ve started questioning my gender identity.
It’s not that I don’t feel female. I do. I just also feel sort of male? I don’t know.
I’ve had a lot of dichotomies in my life for as long as I remember. Strong science background and artistic ambitions. I want to dance and wear dresses and bright colors but also kick ass and do parkour. I want to be protected, but I also want to be the protector. I want to seduce women and thrust into them. I want to seduce men and feel them inside me.
Most of that’s okay. It just means a lot of decisions about priorities.
But then there’s the body thing: I’m catching myself simultaneously wanting to build muscle mass/definition but also have more feminine curves and the wardrobe to show them off.
In the past I’ve had moments where I thought I felt “male,” but most of them were a few hours, maybe a day at most… If I remember right. I don’t feel male, not really - not that I really know what that means, how are we defining the mental difference anyway? It’s certainly something beyond activities, right? - but I don’t feel entirely female either. But I also feel female and also at least think I feel male?
I’m so confused.
I remember my girlfriend had gender identity issues awhile back when she was on a certain type of birth control. That may be it. I can’t remember whether I’ve felt weird about it while naturally cycling. I’ve also sometimes suspected there’s something a little off with my hormones, but that’s entirely conjecture and not based on anything resembling extensive knowledge.
And then I wonder if it’s somehow a mental reaction to the transitional period I’m going through otherwise… But nature/nurture is quite the rabbit hole anyway.
Maybe I’m just a girl with strong yang energy?